How to Support Someone Without Losing Yourself
When someone you love says they wish they wouldn’t wake up — but says they have no plan to end their life
There is a particular kind of exhaustion that can come from living with someone who has lost hope.
They may not be actively planning suicide. They may tell you they have no intention of harming themselves.
But they say things such as:
“I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.”
“I don’t want to die exactly. I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Every morning I’m disappointed that I woke up.”
Alongside this despair there may be anger, irritability, rage, withdrawal, resentment or an inability to see anything positive about the future.
For the person experiencing it, the emotional pain can be enormous.
But there is another person in this story who is sometimes forgotten:
the partner, parent, sibling, relative or friend living beside it.
You may love this person enormously while simultaneously feeling frightened, angry, helpless, resentful, exhausted and constantly on alert.
You may find yourself listening for changes in their voice.
Watching how much they drink.
Checking whether they have gone to bed.
Wondering what a slammed door means.
Analysing every unusual comment.
Wondering whether it is safe to leave the house.
And asking yourself the frightening question:
“What if something happens when I’m not there?”
This article is for you.
First: “No plan” does not mean “nothing to worry about”
Statements about wishing not to wake up are sometimes described clinically as passive suicidal ideation or a passive death wish.
This is different from someone saying they intend to end their life imminently.
But “passive” should never be interpreted as irrelevant.
Suicidal thoughts exist on a spectrum, and a person’s circumstances and level of risk can change. Hopelessness, increasing withdrawal, agitation, increased alcohol or drug use, saying goodbye, talking about death, taking unusual risks or a significant change in behaviour are among the signs that warrant additional attention.
You do not need to diagnose how suicidal someone is.
You simply need to take what they are saying seriously.
1. Learn to ask the question directly
Families sometimes begin speaking in code.
“Are you feeling that way again?”
“You’re not going to do anything silly, are you?”
“Everything’s okay, right?”
Direct language is safer.
You can ask:
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
“Do you feel that you might act on those thoughts?”
“Do you feel safe right now?”
Asking someone directly about suicide does not put the idea into their head or increase their risk. It can actually provide an opportunity for the person to speak openly about something they may have been carrying alone.
Ask calmly.
You are trying to understand, not interrogate.
2. Stop trying to talk them out of their feelings
One of our instincts when someone says something frightening is to immediately produce reasons why they shouldn’t feel that way.
“You have so much to live for.”
“Things aren’t that bad.”
“Think about everyone who loves you.”
“Tomorrow will be better.”
“Other people have it much worse.”
Usually these statements come from love.
But profound hopelessness isn’t normally resolved by winning an argument about whether life is objectively worthwhile.
Instead, start by acknowledging what you are hearing.
“It sounds like you’re completely exhausted by life at the moment.”
“I can hear how hopeless things feel.”
“I don’t completely understand what this feels like for you, but I want to understand.”
Validation does not mean agreeing that life is hopeless.
It means recognising that hopelessness is genuinely what they are experiencing right now.
Healthdirect recommends listening, acknowledging feelings and avoiding judgement when supporting someone experiencing mental-health difficulties.
3. Recognise what belongs to you — and what doesn’t
This may be one of the hardest lessons for someone living beside suicidal ideation:
You can influence another person’s safety.
You cannot assume complete responsibility for another person’s life.
Without recognising this distinction, the supporter can slowly become a 24-hour crisis service.
You monitor.
You reassure.
You cancel plans.
You absorb anger.
You prevent every disappointment.
You try to keep the atmosphere calm.
You conceal what’s happening from other people.
You become frightened of upsetting them.
Eventually the entire household revolves around one person’s emotional state.
That arrangement is neither sustainable nor particularly therapeutic.
The healthier goal is:
support without assuming ownership.
You can encourage treatment.
You can listen.
You can help create a safety plan.
You can attend appointments when appropriate.
You can contact emergency services when necessary.
But you cannot become their psychiatrist, therapist, crisis team and sole reason for living.
4. Suicidal thoughts do not cancel your right to boundaries
This becomes particularly important when despair exists alongside rage or anger.
A person who is suffering deserves compassion.
But suffering does not mean that everyone around them must accept intimidation, verbal abuse, threats, property destruction or violence.
Two statements can be true simultaneously:
“I understand that you’re in enormous emotional pain.”
and
“I will not stay in a room while I’m being screamed at or threatened.”
A boundary might sound like:
“I want to talk about this and I care about what you’re experiencing. I’m going to step away while we’re shouting. We can continue when things are calmer.”
If someone’s behaviour becomes threatening or violent, your own physical safety comes first. If someone is at immediate risk of harming themselves or another person, call Triple Zero (000). Healthdirect also advises not putting yourself in danger when someone is behaving aggressively during a mental-health crisis.
Compassion does not require becoming someone else’s emotional punching bag.
5. Regulate yourself before trying to regulate the room
Human nervous systems influence one another.
When someone is raging, distressed or catastrophising, it is remarkably easy to become activated yourself.
Your voice gets louder.
Your breathing changes.
You start defending yourself.
They become more agitated.
You become more agitated.
Soon nobody is listening.
Before responding, try something very simple:
Plant both feet on the floor.
Slow your breathing.
Drop your shoulders.
Lower your voice rather than raising it.
Speak in shorter sentences.
Don’t try to resolve five years of relationship problems during a crisis.
You are not conceding the argument.
You are preventing two dysregulated nervous systems from escalating one another.
Sometimes the most productive sentence is:
“We don’t have to solve everything tonight.”
6. Create a safety plan before the crisis
Trying to invent a suicide-response strategy at 2:00 am while everyone is terrified is not ideal.
A better approach is to develop a written safety plan while the person is relatively stable, preferably with a health professional.
A suicide safety plan can include:
- the person’s early warning signs
- strategies that have previously helped them get through intense periods
- people they can contact
- places where they feel safer
- professional supports
- crisis numbers
- ways of making their environment safer
- what should happen if their suicidal thinking becomes more intense.
Australian services recommend structured safety planning, and the Beyond Now suicide safety-planning resource can be completed with a trusted person or health professional.
Importantly, the family should also know:
At what point do we stop managing this ourselves and seek urgent professional help?
That decision should not have to be reinvented during every crisis.
7. Build a team — not a single exhausted rescuer
One of the most dangerous dynamics for supporters is becoming the only person who knows what is happening.
One partner knows.
Nobody else does.
The partner becomes frightened to leave.
Then frightened to sleep.
Then frightened to say the wrong thing.
Mental-health support works better when responsibility is distributed.
Where possible, the person’s support network might include:
- a GP
- psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist
- trusted family members
- trusted friends
- crisis services
- community mental-health services.
If someone talks about suicide, don’t promise absolute secrecy. Beyond Blue specifically advises against promising that you will never tell anyone else; instead, concentrate on helping the person access appropriate support.
You can respect someone’s privacy without allowing yourself to become the sole keeper of a life-threatening secret.
8. Develop your own “supporter safety plan”
The person experiencing suicidal thoughts needs a plan.
So do you.
Ask yourself:
Who can I call when things become overwhelming?
Where can I go if the house becomes volatile?
Who understands what is happening?
Am I still seeing friends?
Am I sleeping properly?
Am I constantly monitoring this person?
Have I stopped doing things because I’m afraid to leave them?
Am I becoming depressed, anxious or hypervigilant myself?
Have I started believing that keeping them alive depends entirely on me?
Supporting someone experiencing suicidal thoughts can have a substantial effect on the support person’s own mental health. Beyond Blue specifically recommends boundaries, maintaining social connections, rest, exercise, enjoyable activities and continuing to attend to the supporter’s own emotional wellbeing.
Self-care in this situation isn’t scented candles and bubble baths.
Sometimes self-care means:
going to your own therapist.
Turning your phone off for an hour when someone else is safely supporting them.
Going out with friends.
Sleeping in another room.
Refusing to participate in a screaming argument.
Asking another family member to take over for an afternoon.
Admitting that you cannot manage this alone anymore.
9. Don’t allow suicide to become the only subject in the relationship
Mental-health crises can gradually consume an entire relationship.
Eventually every conversation becomes:
How are you feeling?
Did you take your medication?
Are you okay?
Have you called your psychologist?
Are you thinking about suicide?
These conversations are necessary.
But the person you love is also more than their suicidal ideation.
Watch television.
Cook.
Walk the dog.
Talk about somebody else’s ridiculous behaviour.
Discuss politics.
Sit outside.
Get coffee.
Listen to music.
Laugh when laughter appears.
Talk about ordinary things.
Healthdirect recommends continuing ordinary activities and reminding people of who they are outside their mental-health difficulties.
Sometimes normality itself becomes part of recovery.
10. Understand that you are allowed to experience conflicting emotions
You might love someone deeply and still occasionally think:
“I can’t do this anymore.”
You may feel compassion in the morning and resentment by lunchtime.
Fear followed by anger.
Tenderness followed by exhaustion.
Hope followed by despair.
This does not make you uncaring.
Long-term exposure to another person’s distress can be profoundly draining.
What matters is what you do with those emotions.
Talk to someone.
Get professional support yourself.
Take breaks.
Set boundaries.
Share responsibility.
And resist the belief that being a “good partner”, “good parent” or “good friend” requires unlimited emotional endurance.
When should the situation become urgent?
Even when someone has previously described their thoughts as passive, take changes seriously.
Seek urgent professional help if you believe the person may be in immediate danger, if suicidal thinking appears to be escalating toward intent or action, if they cannot stay safe, or if their behaviour becomes severely agitated, aggressive or otherwise dangerous.
If immediate danger exists in Australia, call Triple Zero (000) or attend the nearest emergency department.
For immediate counselling and advice:
Lifeline — 13 11 14
24 hours a day. Text 0477 13 11 14.
Suicide Call Back Service — 1300 659 467
Free 24/7 suicide-related counselling. Importantly, this service can also support people affected by somebody else’s suicidality, not only the suicidal person.
NSW Mental Health Line — 1800 011 511
A free 24/7 service staffed by mental-health professionals who can assess the situation and connect callers with NSW mental-health services. You can call because you’re worried about someone else’s mental health.
You don’t have to wait until you are certain that something terrible is going to happen before asking a professional what to do.
Perhaps the most important boundary of all
If you live with someone who regularly wishes they were dead, it is understandable that part of your life begins revolving around keeping them alive.
But there is a danger hidden inside that role.
Their survival can gradually become your entire existence.
Love can support recovery.
Connection can protect people.
Families can notice changes that clinicians never see.
Partners can provide extraordinary stability.
Friends can remind someone that they still belong in the world.
But none of those things require surrendering your own mental health.
The healthiest position may ultimately be this:
I love you.
I will listen to you.
I will take you seriously.
I will help you find professional support.
I will act if I believe you are in danger.
But I cannot carry your entire life on my shoulders.
Because supporting someone through suicidal ideation should never require two people to disappear.
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